Domestic Violence

   Can we have a little straight talk this morning about domestic violence and violence against women in general? Rob Porter, White House staff secretary, is under fire after some very credible accusations of violence against two of his ex-wives has come to light, complete with supporting photographs. How was anyone to know what went on in his past? General Kelly gave a statement brushing aside the complete accusation and Orrin Hatch blasted the nasty people and agencies that reported these obviously false accusations.

   And of course, Porter himself, was highly critical of the stories floating around. He didn’t completely deny it though. Then when the word went out that these charges were, at least in part, the reason Porter had not been able get a security clearance, there was some serious back pedaling. Even though there are a lot of people who were unable to get security clearances under this administration, I would have thought that those who are routinely handed classified and top-secret information would have warranted a second look at the reasons for this denial.  Thank God someone did look and yes, the FBI had questioned the ex-wives (they do that you know. They question just about everyone who has been close to the subject in his or her entire life, relatives, old girl friends and guy friends, previous work mates, class mates) You get the idea.

   This man would never have been able to serve under the Obama administration with proof of wife battering in his jacket. Nor would he have been able to serve under either of the Bushes or Cli…Oh who are we kidding. He might not have served under Obama, but any or all of the past administrations, might or might not have even registered the violence, IF it had even been reported.  The fact is that violence against women has just not been taken all that seriously until recently.

   The truth is we just might not have heard about it. If we did hear about it, we might have allowed ourselves to be lulled by his excuses or denials, because it would have been easier on us. Kelly moved from disavowal to “He deserved the benefit of the doubt” before reaching the more appropriate, shock and condemnation of Porter’s actions. I’m pretty sure that General Kelly has run into spousal abuse a few times in his military career. It is rampant in the military.

   The military has very strict rules regarding what one can and cannot do to/with a spouse. A commanding officer is required to take certain action when abuse is reported. When abuse is reported, not suspected and not even if it is general knowledge, but when it is reported. The thing is, reported abuse in the military can be career challenging, so it is often not reported to the commanding officer.

   You’ve heard about the Catholic priests, the Mormon elders and other conservative clergy who routinely tell the women who come to them for help in these cases, to go home. Divorce is not an option. Go home and try not to make him angry again, try to cope, don’t rock the boat, implying that if they are better wives, their husbands won’t be driven to beat them.

   We’ve been fighting this for decades and just in the past few years, have we been making a bit of headway. The current movement against sexual harassment is one of the outcomes of this on-going fight and for the first time, I think we have a chance of moving the line a bit. But we also have a challenge.

   We have a challenge because a man sits as the head of our country who has countless accusations of inappropriate behavior toward women, ranging from unwanted kisses all the way to forcible rape of a minor and including physical and emotional violence toward his wives. This seems to normalize the problem.

   We have a challenge because both Kelly and Hatch have a hard time believing that someone who hasn’t punched either of them has punched his bride. We have a challenge because these men and many more are lusting for the “good old days” when “women were sacred”, which translates to “women were controllable”. We have a challenge because many women still depend on the generosity of a man for their well being and the well being of their children. We still have challenges but we are closer to the equalityDo we need to put those challenges behind us. Our biggest challenge right now is to NOT start slipping backward, to not allow our hard-won victories to be lost. We need equal pay for equal work. We need healthcare and childcare, not above the needs of men, but equal to.

   We need a level playing field and I think we are close to having it. Don’t give up. Speak Up. Don’t stand for bad treatment. Stand UP. Be counted. Be the resistance to the unfairness.